The truest state of myself is always in my memories. Who I am now is some contorted form that the world made. I would have never chose this, my life. My life simply chose me.
When we were younger we had little or no worries. At least that's what I remember, and memories are king. I don't think about the loneliness, the fear, the deep longing to be anywhere, anytime but there. Those things never happened. That blue hot wheel never got super glued to my hand. The time of childhood was magical, if only we could go back.
I'm not saying that I want to be childish.
Okay, that's exactly what I'm saying. Being old is hard and there's no end in sight. There isn't anyone there. It's the nearest I've come to the cold vacuum of space and survived.
If only there was, some heat, some light, someone to know. Then I could live; Then I could be more than a lump in the currents of the walking dead.
When I think about these things I oscillate between three and fifty-nine years old. There's a sadness that comes alive to me. It's almost unbearably painful, but there's a small seed of hope that, when I feel it, I might be more than an impossible astronaut floating in the deep of space. A small seed of hope that I'm still alive inside.
When I was a child, I was myself all the time. Good or bad, I was the way I was. Now, I sometimes feel fractured into a dozen different people. With every decision, my left hand sees what the right is doing and I have to decide if my actions or motives are consistent with who I am (but which one?).
ReplyDeleteThe happy part of this is that when I was a child, I was myself. This means that there is a real me at the bottom of it all.
Our spirit is like or nature or character. In One of them books of Corinthians, it says that we are now one Spirit with God. That means that we are good people now. The way we are is consistent with the way God is. If left to my own devices, I do the sort of things Jesus does. We are whole people now. We aren't broken anymore. All that remains is for us to learn to be ourselves again.
We don't have to change who we are. We just need to be ourselves instead of living out of paradigms, insecurities, or pain.
There's much hope to be had my friend. You are a good person :) Soak it up.
I like your october 28th post. I can relate.
ReplyDeleteInteresting blog :) I stumbled across it while trying to find the music competition page. Oh well. I have some thoughts though.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, it is very idealistic to view childhood as having no worries. I recall having very irrational worries that a robber or bigfoot was going to get me. But I get what you're saying about not having overwhelming loneliness, longings to be anywhere but here, etc.
And I agree with the statement "The truest state of myself is always in my memories." But that might just be because I'm abnormally obsessed with memories.